Coming off of the college high and realizing that I am not the only successful member of my high school graduating class was not news or even unexpected. (There were 600 of us; someone, or should I say multiple someones, was bound to be successful... right?) It's the feelings that seeing my peers' success is causing within me that is unexpected. Allow me to toot my horn a bit: I graduated with honors, with one of the highest awards you can receive from my college, and a resume that helped land me a job straight from college. So, I was feeling pretty proud after my May 9 graduation and excited for my 2011 classmates of Sparkman High School who had accomplished the same thing. So, what do I have to feel jealous about? Just wait, I'll get there. I am a fairly private person, so I doubt my Facebook friends are envying much of anything because I hardly post personal things to social media. Nonetheless, I stalk my peers on the Internet, lurking amongst the mass of "ghost followers" and "ghost friends" (is that a term? I'm not sure, but it's going to be...). While lurking and being happy for the success of my peers, however, I cannot help but also realize that I could have done so much more... or could I? I mean, I see the world travels, the exciting news, the new developments, and I can't help but wonder where those moments are in my life.
Hence, my major case of FACEBOOK ENVY (gasp, horror of horrors... cue the dramatic music now). Although many high schoolers don't know what they want to do with their lives, I was absolutely positive of my career path upon graduation. I was going to go to UNA, pursue my dream of being a high school English teacher, and then go out and get a job near my hometown and live happily ever after. And I am proud to say that I am now there, well, on my way to the happily ever after. I just need the husband, suburban house with the 2.3 children (or whatever that weird decimal is these days... actually, I'm not so sure about the husband and kids.) What I didn't know was that so many of my peers were also pursuing education degrees, and striving to make me feel slightly less than great (OK greatly less than great!) Here we are on the threshold of something awesome: influencing and educating our future! So when I see the epic accomplishments of said peers, I cannot help but compare myself. How is it that they are doing what they are doing? Aww man, why didn't I think of that? Wow, they are so creative; where's my creative Kool Aid so I can take a sip? Oh many, why didn't I want to move away from home again? My answer: I HAVE NO CLUE!
(my interpretation of a dramatic reaction...refer back to line one of paragraph 2)
Don't get me wrong. I love teaching, well, at least so far. My school is great, my coworkers are great, my administrative staff is great, my students are great, and I have so much support it's not funny. But (of course, you could feel the but coming, couldn't you?) I feel so inadequate at times. I'm constantly internalizing and questioning myself? Am I really supposed to be doing this? What did they see in me? I am actually a 17-year-old's teacher? (Yes, I teach juniors) What else could I be doing better? Why am I so tired everyday? Does that mean I'm doing something right? The list could go on and on. The insecurities are there, and they are numerous, but I keep telling myself that you chose this, and you are well on your way to a fulfilling career.
On a more positive note, I was hired in with a slew of new teachers/ Among which is another fresh out of college grad who is also teaching English. We share our woes with each other, and knowing that I am not alone is a positive, but I also can't help but wonder about her success as well. She seems to be more prepared than I feel. Sometimes, I feel as if everyone knows something I don't know, and I am constantly wondering: did I miss the memo? I know I'm just in my first year, and everyone says that it's a learning experience, but let me just say, I'm am one of those people who does not like not knowing things, and to constantly be in this state of "faking it until I make it" has me on the struggle bus. Where did I go wrong? And, how can I fix it?
Let me tell you. I have been working on my relationship with God. It's not perfect, but I'm working on it. I pray for peace and direction. I know that the lord will lead my path, but this pesky flesh (and the devil) of mine still gets the better of me at times. All the doubt and insecurities come tumbling in and leave me overwhelmed, frustrated, and envious. But I have to remember to not covet the things of my neighbor (allow me to paraphrase there) and trust God to lead me to where he would have me to be. I know the lord has allowed me to be in this place at this point in my life for a reason, and I trust that whatever he has for me is for me. So until next time, God bless and maybe I'll get over my Facebook envy yet!
This post is vastly different than what this blog was established for. In my college years, this blog was used as my Honors Forum weekly update. Well, three years, graduation, and a job later, here I am. It's difficult to believe that I was awed to be a sophomore at the start of this blog. Now, I am a working woman with bills, a career, and students to influence. So in the name of my old send off...
<3 Best wishes!<3
Lesley
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